The Final End Solution.

If this works this maybe my last ever post on Mike's Soapbox. I doubt it however.
I've had an idea that will reach a new audience, solve a lot of the problems facing British society and hopefully it would make me revered and famous too.
It is a daytime TV show like Jeremy Kyle, Trisha Goddard or Jerry Springer, but with a difference. I would be presenting the programme. Stop me if you have heard this!

Every day I would invite societies rejects on to my show and listen to their problems.

“Ok, What's your issue?”
“ My mam's, my Sister. And she slept with boyfriend because I got drunk and slept with his best friend, and now I'm pregnant with one of their kids. And I don't know who my dad is.”
“Interesting, anything else to add?”
“Innit”
“OK. Remember there are two sides to every story. Here is Gemma on the show.”

Some hippopotamic teen with tourettes syndrome in an advanced stage then wades on to the set.
Normally, bouncers would hold them back to prevent a fight. But on my show there are no bouncers, only cleaners.
Most guests would have been issued chainsaws back stage before the cameras roll.
I would look on from behind the bullet-proof perspex screen, protecting myself and the audience.
Then we would have an advert break.

“Mike's Soapbox, is sponsored by Learn Direct. GET A FUCKING JOB!”

“Welcome back. We have Holly-Louise-Phoenix on the show. Now Holly-Louise-Phoenix has a special talent what is that?”
“I can eat an apple through an tennis racquet.”
“Amazing! Is that because your teeth are crooked, or are they crooked because you eat apples through tennis racquets?”
“Huh”
“Holly-Louise-Phoenix has bought her entire family here today. Her elder brother is a young offender, her father is an alcoholic sex offender and her mother is depressed beyond tablets. Lets bring them out!”
the family sits.
“I'm going read the DNA result. Are you ready?....... Holly-Louise-Phoenix is........
Only 16% human.”
Gasps and groans of condemnation from the audience.
“Can I ask that you, and your family leave the stage through the door at the left, and exit the Mike's Soapbox studio through the showers at the back of the complex.”
“We don't 'ave any soap.”
“Don't worry, there is official Mikes Soapbox Soap in there.... It's made from last weeks guests.”

"Up next"
"My husband doesn't work"
"well what do you do?"
"Well, right. I look after the Kids, right."
"Wrong the state looks after your kids. This problem will only sort itself out if you work together.....on a work correctional facility making famous high street clothing."

Then I would have my final thoughts at the end of each show.
“You are all adults. You know what's right and what's wrong. Sort your problems out without airing all your dirty laundry on national television.
Your ability to have sex has never been in question, but if you can't look after yourself or your nearest and dearest. don't allow your situation to get worse because there are many people out there help you.
We live in a country where you have it so good, some nations would be glad to live without fear, hardship or hunger.
Next week, one single mother concern for her obese 8 year old son. I wonder what's gone wrong?
SEE YOU NEXT TIME.”