The True Phantom Menace

In 1997, after the resounding success of the Star Wars Trilogy Special Editions in cinemas, the genius that was George Lucas announced that he would make three new Star Wars films these became known as the Prequel Trilogy.
In the summer of 1999 every Star Wars fan was out in force, filling cinemas across the planet. Many had taken their children inspiring a new generation of Star Wars fans. Many even went to see what the Hype was about and had no knowledge of these legendary movies. I was one of the latter.

A long time a go in a galaxy far, far away..... “OK. Why are people next to me getting fidgety.”
“Whoa. Nice, but I wish people would stop clapping so I could read this.”
"Episode I: The Phantom Menace......."

Needless to say at the age of Sixteen this movie changed my life. Within a few months I was well versed in all the customs, and conversations that most average Star Wars fans have ,when conversations inevitably turn to Star Wars. You know the ones I mean.

One such Conversation happened down the pub a few years ago. Some people were debating the meaning of the title “The Phantom Menace”. Interesting I thought, as I had never really paid it much mind, even though I did question the seriousness of the title of Episode II. If you were around in 2002 and a Star Wars fan you'll know what a furore that caused.

This blog is about the meaning of the “Title Phantom Menace”.
Who is it? Or even, what is it?
“Darth Vader” is what most people say who have only seen bits of the saga. Fair point though. Anakin, although young and innocent in this film does indeed grow up to be a big menace and at the end of the movie, after the end credits there is a short blast of Darth Vader's Breathing apparatus.
Fans who read those credits and found out that Ian McDiarmid played Senator Palpatine in Episode I also played the Emperor in Episode VI “The Return Of The Jedi”. So maybe Senator Palpatine was the phantom menace because he would become the evil Emperor.
Another candidate was the Sith Order as a whole. Now to me, this one seemed more plausible at the time.
The Sith reveal themselves to the Jedi in the form of a stealthy attack on the planet of Tatooine. A tattooed Zabrack called Darth Maul (aptly named too) chases down Qui Gon Jinn and young Anakin in the outskirts of Mos Espa. It was the first time any Jedi had seen a red bladed lightsaber for over a thousand years.
The Jedi conclude that there must be a second Sith Lord. A master for the Apprentice.
Darth Sidious was that master. A character, who's actor is uncredited and remains hidden from the Jedi (if not the fans) until the third film.

Now with after seeing all the completed films in order, and with the benefit of hindsight. I can answer the question: Who, or What is the phantom menace?
None of the above.
Yes. Undoubtedly the Emperor is evil beyond evil. But who got him there?
Who has the Anti-Midas touch?
Who is a menace to himself and others?

The answer to all the above is Jar Jar Binks.
“Who. Meeesa?”
Sighs “Yes, You.”
A Gungan so idiotic, George Lucas named him twice, just so you'd remember him.
Gungans are sort of a semi amphibious camel-cow type species, and this one is the most clumsy.
Even his own species banished him, and in the latest clone wars series he was described as “A plague” after demolishing two heavily armoured pirate tanks, BY ACCIDENT.
He also bumbles his way to the rank of general in the Gungan army, then bumbled his way into the senate too giving the most evil tyrant in fiction all the power he ever wanted.
Fans hate Jar Jar and accuse him of ruining Star Wars for them. I don't think he ruined the movies, I just hate him as a person. Having said that as a character I believe he is necessary. Who here, does not know a Jar jar Binks?
Star Wars Humour fansites have more material because of him. Such as these gems.I hope that he happily retired to Alderaan and was looking through a telescope, during the first test of the Death Star.
“Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready.”

The Final End Solution.

If this works this maybe my last ever post on Mike's Soapbox. I doubt it however.
I've had an idea that will reach a new audience, solve a lot of the problems facing British society and hopefully it would make me revered and famous too.
It is a daytime TV show like Jeremy Kyle, Trisha Goddard or Jerry Springer, but with a difference. I would be presenting the programme. Stop me if you have heard this!

Every day I would invite societies rejects on to my show and listen to their problems.

“Ok, What's your issue?”
“ My mam's, my Sister. And she slept with boyfriend because I got drunk and slept with his best friend, and now I'm pregnant with one of their kids. And I don't know who my dad is.”
“Interesting, anything else to add?”
“Innit”
“OK. Remember there are two sides to every story. Here is Gemma on the show.”

Some hippopotamic teen with tourettes syndrome in an advanced stage then wades on to the set.
Normally, bouncers would hold them back to prevent a fight. But on my show there are no bouncers, only cleaners.
Most guests would have been issued chainsaws back stage before the cameras roll.
I would look on from behind the bullet-proof perspex screen, protecting myself and the audience.
Then we would have an advert break.

“Mike's Soapbox, is sponsored by Learn Direct. GET A FUCKING JOB!”

“Welcome back. We have Holly-Louise-Phoenix on the show. Now Holly-Louise-Phoenix has a special talent what is that?”
“I can eat an apple through an tennis racquet.”
“Amazing! Is that because your teeth are crooked, or are they crooked because you eat apples through tennis racquets?”
“Huh”
“Holly-Louise-Phoenix has bought her entire family here today. Her elder brother is a young offender, her father is an alcoholic sex offender and her mother is depressed beyond tablets. Lets bring them out!”
the family sits.
“I'm going read the DNA result. Are you ready?....... Holly-Louise-Phoenix is........
Only 16% human.”
Gasps and groans of condemnation from the audience.
“Can I ask that you, and your family leave the stage through the door at the left, and exit the Mike's Soapbox studio through the showers at the back of the complex.”
“We don't 'ave any soap.”
“Don't worry, there is official Mikes Soapbox Soap in there.... It's made from last weeks guests.”

"Up next"
"My husband doesn't work"
"well what do you do?"
"Well, right. I look after the Kids, right."
"Wrong the state looks after your kids. This problem will only sort itself out if you work together.....on a work correctional facility making famous high street clothing."

Then I would have my final thoughts at the end of each show.
“You are all adults. You know what's right and what's wrong. Sort your problems out without airing all your dirty laundry on national television.
Your ability to have sex has never been in question, but if you can't look after yourself or your nearest and dearest. don't allow your situation to get worse because there are many people out there help you.
We live in a country where you have it so good, some nations would be glad to live without fear, hardship or hunger.
Next week, one single mother concern for her obese 8 year old son. I wonder what's gone wrong?
SEE YOU NEXT TIME.”